Wife Sitting on Husband Lap

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Spouse to Husband (on Phone): Dear, Can you talk for 2 seconds? Hope, you are not busy?
Husband: Yes! Why? What is it?
Wife: I have a Good and Bad news!
Husband: I want to hear only Good news, don't have time for the Bad
Wife: Fine, the Good news is that the Air Bags in our new Range Rower worked perfectly FINE! I reached home safe but car....Ok let's leave bad news...

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

A successful marriage is based on 'Give & Take'
Where husband gives money, gifts, dresses & wife takes it.
And Wife gives Advices, lecturer, tensions & husband takes it. 

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Wife:-I will die.
Husband: - I will also die.
Wife:-why will you die?
Husband: - Because I can't bear this much happiness: D

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption:
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD,
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Three FASTEST means of Communication:
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

If hubby is head of the family then what is wife?
Wife is the neck of the family and can turn head anywhere!

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Wife: I will not survive. I will die!
Husband: I will also die.
Wife: I have fever and going through big pain but why you will die?
Husband: I cannot tolerate so big news of happiness.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Man called frantically into the phone: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!
Doctor: Is this her first child?
Man shouted: No, this is her husband!

 

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral: BE SPECIFIC

100+ Funny Husband Wife Jokes

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

A Bus full of wives going for a picnic crashed with no survivors.
Each Husband cried for a week.
But one husband continued for more than a month.
When asked he replied miserably... "My wife missed the Bus"

 

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Let us be generous like this: Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.

Ant 1 says: We should KILL him.
Ant 2 says: No, Let us break his Leg alone.

Ant 3 says: No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says: No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Question: When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE?
Answer: On their MARRIAGE.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Why Government does NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
Because (as per Constitution) you cannot PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

After the death of his wife, a wealthy person started an affair with his 20 years young secretary. To check on her past, a detective was hired, who reported about her, "She has a clean past, but has recently been seen flirting with an elderly man of doubtful character."

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Once, a man goes to his wife's office...
There he sees his wife sitting in Lap of her Boss.
He comes Home and says to her "you don't need to work in such a place, where there is lack of chair."

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Why Husband and Wife don't understand each other?
God: Because I gave good brains to men & good hearts to women
But men use their hearts
And
Women use their brains.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

A couple was having dinner at a restaurant.
As the food was served,.
.
.
.
The husband said:
The food looks delicious, let's eat!
.
.
.
Wife: Honey, you say prayer before eating at home.
.
.
.
Husband: That's at home, Sweetheart. Here, the chef knows how to cook.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Husband is watching TV and crying/....
Wife: Why are you crying?
Which serial you're watching?
Husband: it's not serial. It's our marriage CD....................

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Wife: What is the spelling of Happiness?
Husband: U.N.M.A.R.R.I.E.D.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Wife: Do you want meal?
Husband: What are my choices?
Wife: Denial or acceptance.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Wife: Honey, what are You Looking for?

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?
Husband: I was just looking for the expiry date.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied,
"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Wife: Can you help me in the gardening?
Husband: What do you think I am...a gardener?
Wife: Can you fix the door handle?
Husband: What do you think I am... a Carpenter?
Next day, when husband came from work, he saw everything had been fixed.
Husband: Who did all this?
Wife: Our neighbor.
But he gave me two options.....Either I should give him a burger or a kiss.
Husband: I am sure you must have given him a burger. Wife: What do you think I am.......McDonalds?!!

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

So married life is really easy, it is just like a walk in the park...but the problem is that the park is... 'Jurassic Park'...

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Friend: How did you teeth break?
Man: Wife has made so hard breads!
Friend: So you should have denied from eating!!
Man: That is what I did!!!

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Wife (Angrily): I just cannot believe this! You forgot my birth day! How dare you!
Hubby (in very tempting voice): Darling, how can you expect me to remember this day when you never look any older!
Wife: Really, my love?
Hubby: Yes, Honey... (Thinking - Thank God, I recall the dialogue at right time, otherwise, I would have dead today)

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Husband on wife's grave... with a table fan... crying...
Someone comes and asks - did you love her a lot?
Man: Which love? She took a promise "you will re-marry when my graves goes dry." - I don't know who pours water daily here?

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Lady to advocate: I want to marry my ex-husband again!
Advocate: Why, last month you got the divorce...
Lady: After divorce, he is very happy and I cannot tolerate this at all...

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Couple got fight!
Wife in anger goes to market, buys poison, and eats and after sometime...
She did not die...
Husband: Lot of time, I told you, take care while buying things, money is wasted and work is still incomplete!!

100+ Funny Husband Wife Jokes

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Man can be happy in 2 situations: 1st - if unmarried; 2nd - if wife has gone to her mother's home.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

An Economist beautifully explained two reasons for having two wives:
A - Monopoly should be broken
B- Competition improves the quality of service...
If you have one wife, she fights with you. If you have two wives they will fight for you.
Feel the difference and decide.
Disclaimer: We are not having such experience and not responsible for any side effects!

Husband and Wife:

Wife while beating her husband - Neighbor interrupts
Why are you biting this innocent man?
Wife: Please, he is not innocent. I called him and the other girl replied - The person you are calling is busy on another..."

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Wife's Three Wishes:

Once a sad lady was walking along the beach thinking of the worst state of her life cycle. Her husband asked her for divorce. As she was walking, she tripped over something in the sand. The woman picked the object up revealing a lamp.

The woman rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared before her. "I will grant you three wishes," the genie said "But your husband will get double."

The woman thought and thought, then made her first wish "I wish for 10 million dollars." POOF! The wished for ten million appears at the woman feet, some distance away 20 million dollars appears at her husband's feet.

The woman thinks again and makes her second wish, "I wish for a pile of diamonds three feet high!" POOF! A pile of diamonds appears at the woman feet, a pile of diamonds six feet high appears at her husband's feet.

The woman thinks and thinks, ponders and ponders; finally she says to the genie "Now, whatever I wish for my husband gets double?" The genie replies, "That is correct."

She makes her third wish, "Scare me half to death!"

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Doctor: Please lie down, I need to check you.
Female: Okay but call the nurse too.
Doctor: Why, you don't have trust in me?
Female: I do, but my husband, who is outside, doesn't have trust in me...

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Husband: I am feeling so happy while seeing your friend.
Wife: Yeah, I can see your happiness through your jeans.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

"What a pleasant surprise... You came home early" Wife speaks so gladly.
I was forced to do it. I have to obey what my boss told me to do. He ordered: "GO TO HELL"

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Lady to Radio Jockey: It would be a great help if you call to my husband who left me and took all our three kids with him.
Radio Jockey: Yes, for sure... It's on. You please speak your message.
Lady: Honey, kindly return back two kids because only one of them is yours!!!

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Den: My souse went for horse-riding to lose weight. Lost 6kg!!
Jay: Hard work pays!
Den: No! She didn't but that horse lost the weight!

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

On Wives:

Husband buys a mouth fresher for wife.
Wife: Why you don't buy for you.
Husband: I remain silent anyways.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Wife is like a god's Prasad (fruit); you have to eat it without making any complaint.

Wife: I heard that men get angels in heaven and what women get?
Man: God only listens to those who are needy!

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Lady: People say that in heaven Man and woman cannot live together!
Male: Yes, that is why it is known as heaven

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Why does traffic stop when old people smile,
Because their teeth are so yellow.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

For voting you age should be 18 but for marriage you must be 21, why?
Wise man replies: Because government knows that taking care of the wife is bigger task than taking care of nation.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Him: I kiss my Wife every day before I leave for Office, what about you?
Me: I too, after you leave!!

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

World's shortest Joke ever is when

Doctor asks: How's your headache?
Patient: She is fine!

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Husband in a book store" Do you have a book called, Husband the master of the house?
Sales girl: Sir, Comics are on the first floor...

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

What is a checkmate?
You tell your wife I saw a lady, looked exactly like you...
Wife asks: Was she Hot?
Now you can't say 'No'
You can't say 'Yes'

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

A friend is like Asian paint...Changes your life!
A Girlfriend is like Everest spice... which is best in taste!
But a wife is like Mosquito coil... which kills you from every corner!

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Just married couple after first night!
Husband: Let me be frank - It is not my first time.
Wife: Well. Let me also clear that you still need to learn a lot.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

A girl sees Aladdin's magic lamp and starts rubbing it than a Genie comes out:
The girl requests the Genie to grant her some wishes:

- He should sleep always by my side.
- When he gets up, I should be the first thing he grabs.
- He must take me everywhere he goes.
- My hubby should have eyes only for me.
- I should be only one in his life.

The Genie turned that GIRL into a Mobile!!!

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Mom to kid: The one who follow my advice and do not argue with me - will win lot of gifts from me
Kid: This is not fair - All the gifts will be won by our dad only!!

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its red lights. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy", so he floors it.
The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realizes he can`t outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.
He leans down and says "Listen mister, I`ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I`ll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

ANTS, MALE AND FEMALE

Husband was waving his arms at home and searching...
Wife: What are doing?
Husband: Killing ants and I killed 2 male and 3 female ants...
Wife: How do you know about male and female?
Husband: 2 were on beer can and 3 were on cell phone...

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Two ladies were discussing what they should wear to the club dance.
"We're supposed to wear something to match our husband's hair. So I'm going to wear black," said Mrs. Johnson.
"Goodness", gasped her companion. "I don't think I'll go. My husband is bald."

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Wife: Honey...... What are You Looking for? Husband: Nothing. Wife: Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour??
Husband: I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied,
"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine."

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

A Lady on Phone:
"Hello Minesh? Sir, I want To Meet & Talk to You.
You Are The Father Of One Of My Kids."

Stunned and shocked Man screamed:
"Oh my God! I am married and so careful with modern prevention tactics and how could this happen to you? You can ruin me"

Are you Soni?
Lady replied, "No."

Then Pramila?
No, No.

Mita?
No, No, No

Rupali?
No, No, No, No.

Sunita?
No, No, No, No, No.

Kamali?
No...........................................................oo.

Lady in confusion scolded Minesh:
"Sir, I am The Class Teacher Of Your Son."

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Gujarati, a Madrasi and a sardaar were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were having lunch. As Gujju opened his lunch box he angrily said, "Dhokla! If I get dhokla one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Madrasi opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Idli Sāmbhar... again! If I get idly Sāmbhar one more time I'm going to jump off too."

The sardaar opened his lunch and shouted with anger, "Parontha again! If I get a parontha one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Gujju opened his lunch box, saw dhokla, and jumped to his death.

The Madrasi opened his lunch, saw idly Sāmbhar, and jumped, too.

The sardaar opened his lunch, saw the parontha and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, Juju's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of dhokla, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Madrasi's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him dossa! I didn't realize he hated idly Sāmbhar so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the sardaar's wife.

..

.

..

.

.

..

The sardaar's wife said,

"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man exclaimed "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

 Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man: "What was that for?"

Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name?
Marylou written on it?"

Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she
Repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"

Wife: "Your horse called."

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the +after-life+ with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died...

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait, just a minute!"

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there in the casket with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!?"

"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

It means, Without Information, Fighting every time!

Wife: No darling, it means,

With Idiot For Ever

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,

So I could have a new one every day.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: Why Three?

Husband: For you and your parents

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest?

Husband: A lovely Push...!!!

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,

You know, I was a fool when I married you.

The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Philosophy of life:
At the beginning of married life, every girl treats her husband as
GOD,
Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

Vastreader Funny Husband Wife Jokes:

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

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