Dirty Mother in Law Jokes







A soldier was given a three-day leave to attend to his newly wedded wife but on getting home, he realised that his wife was in her menstrual period. So he decided to send a telegram to his
headquarter to extend his leave but with his mother-in-law and other visitors around, he decided to code his message in the military way. This is what followed;


SOLDIER: Omega one, this is omega twelve, danger signal from the field, red alert in front, extend leave. Do you read me?! Red alert in front, extend leave.


HEADQUARTERS: Omega twelve, this is omega one, I read you loud and clear! Attack from the back, resume immediately! I repeat, attack from the back, resume immediately


Dirty Mother in Law Jokes - Vastreader

Husband: I called you DARLING and you called me HONEY. Indirectly, you’re calling your mother in law a BEE. No respect for Mother in law. Pack your bags. It's over!!!!


Dirty Mother in Law Jokes - Vastreader

My mother-in-law visited me and my wife but coincidentally, that day my wife was feeling for sex and she did not want to whisper to me since i was busy sharing stories with her mother. My wife tricked me by pretending she has headache and went straight to the bedroom. After some minutes, I followed her leaving her mother in the sitting room. I took some time there, but when I came back I had forgotten to close my zip. mother-in-law: How is she feeling now?

Me: She is now feeling better, I have given her paracetamol.

mother-in-law: OK, close the pharmacy......


Dirty Mother in Law Jokes - Vastreader

A mother in law ask her son's wife: Why is it that all the children don't resemble their father? 

Silly Wife: What I have in between my leg is a reproductive system, not a photocopying machine.


Dirty Mother in Law Jokes - Vastreader

Pedro's wedding: 

Pedro was getting married and on the day of the wedding, his Mother in las pulled him aside and said to him "Tonight you must prove yourself a man, so go and do it many times with your wife". "Ok" replied Pedro and off he went.


The next day his mother in law pulled him aside again and asked how many times Pedro had done it. "2 times" said Pedro. His mother in law looked at him and almost cried. "aaaaaawwww Pedro, you must go tonight and make it many more times. "OK" said Pedro and off she went.


Next day, Pedro's mother in law pulled him aside again and asked how many times he could do it. "5 times" said Pedro. His mother in law looked at him and almost cried. "NO NO NO, Pedro you must go tonight and make it many more times. "OK" said Pedro and of she went.


The day after Pedro's mother in law pulled him aside and asked " now, how many times could you do it tonight". "22 times" said Pedro. "WHAT!!!!, how could you do that" said his mother in las. Pedro showing the doggy-style-movement "like this, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...................


Dirty Mother in Law Jokes - Vastreader

A couple of weeks before my wedding my mother in law asked me to come over and help her with some things around the house. Wanting to make a good impression I went over right away only to find her waiting for me in her sexiest neglige. She said that she found me very attractive and that if I wanted to, I should meet her in the bedroom for the best sex of my life, and if not I knew where the front door was.


My Mother in Law is an extremely beautiful and sexy woman, so I paused for a few seconds before turning to go out the front door. Much to my surprise, when I got to my car my father  in law and brother-in-law were leaning against my car. They said the were sorry for their little test but they wanted to make sure that I was the kind of man that would never cheat on my wife.


Now, the question is.... Do I continue on and marry this girl after this offensive display?


Or do I tell them the truth? That I was getting the condoms from my glove box!

Dirty Mother in Law Jokes
Dirty Mother in Law Jokes

Dirty Mother in Law Jokes - Vastreader

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.


So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.


The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous yes.


The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty spaces in the sand. The students laughed.


"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.


The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."


"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first --the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."


One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.


The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."


Dirty Mother in Law Jokes - Vastreader

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes = No.

No = Yes.

Maybe = No.

We need = I want.

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

You're so ... manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.


MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired = I'm tired.

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

I love you = Let's have sex now.

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.

May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes.

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.

I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay


Dirty Mother in Law Jokes - Vastreader

Woman went to her doctor complaining her husband don’t have Tim for sex and does not satisfy her in bed. The doctor gave her a liquid instructing her to add some few drops of the liquid in husband’s tea. thr following the woman did as instructed and had a wonderful sex with her husband. the following morning she add a bit more and her husband made her to squirt in bed  that night. Again she put the whole liquid the next morning. After 2 weeks the doctor called to know the results of the drug but the lady's child picked the phone and said "mum is in hospital, my brother has ran out of the house, I’m bleeding in my ass, our housemaid is filling a rape law suit against my dad, my sister died from rape by my dad!!! the worst part is that even our dogs are on the run and my dad is chasing them shouting BINGO!! BINGO!! BINGO!! COME TO DADDY" the doctor fainted.

Dirty Mother in Law Jokes
Dirty Mother in Law Jokes

Dirty Mother in Law Jokes - Vastreader

Here are six very funny and interesting life lessons you should see and share with the people you love.

Lesson 1: Unclad Wife


 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands Unclad in front of Bob.


After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…


“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”


Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2


A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”


Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 3


A man offered a lift to a lady. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The man nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The lady said,” man, remember Psalm 129?” The man removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The lady once again said, “man, remember Psalm 129?” The man apologized “Sorry lady but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the home, the lady went on her way. On his arrival at home, the man rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”


Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 4


A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.


A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.


Lesson 5: Power of Charisma


A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.


Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.


Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Moral of the story:

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy

2. Not everyone who gets you out of poo is your friend

3. And when you’re in deep poo, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Dirty Mother in Law Jokes
Dirty Mother in Law Jokes


Dirty Mother in Law Jokes:

SAVE MOTHER-IN-LAW FROM THE LION: A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, his wife awoke to find her mother gone. She woke up her husband and the two of them prepared to go outside and search for her mother.
The hunter picked up his gun, and they were ready to go. Not far from the camp, they came upon a frightening sight: the mother-in-law was pinned against thick, impassable bush, while a huge lion growling menacingly just inches from her face.
The wife yelled in fear, “What are we going to do?”
“Don’t worry about it dear,” said the husband.
“The lion can take care of himself”


Dirty Mother in Law Jokes:

Two friends are talking. One says to the other, “My Mother-In-Law is an angel.” The other replies, “You’re lucky. My mother-in-law is alive.”


Dirty Mother in Law Jokes:

Funny Evil Mother-In-Law Gifts for Grandson’s Birthday: A grandmother is at the toy store for hours trying to find the perfect gift for her grandson for his Birthday. She wanders the store for hours, finally she walks to the cash register with her find, a Super Deluxe Megaphone, a megaphone with a voice-changer and flashing lights which allows kids to yell in 10 different voices. She says to the cashier, “This is the perfect birthday gift, my grandson will love it and it will drive my Daughter-in-law crazy. She’ll hate it!”


Dirty Mother in Law Jokes:

A MAN WENT TO MEET A VET-NARY DOCTOR WITH HIS DOG: Man: Could you please cut my dog's tail off?"
Vet: "There is nothing wrong with the tail of your dog. Why would you want this done to your dog?"
Man: "My mother-in-law is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"
What a Funny Son-in-Law!!!




Dirty Mother in Law Jokes:

Mother-in-law is a woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

 

Dirty Mother in Law Jokes:

Come on - Lets see the world through a wife's eyes!
World's most perfect Man - Her Father!
World's most beautiful woman - Her Mother!
World's most Intelligent female - She herself!
World's most sad husband - Her Brother!
World's most Handsome boy - Her Son!
World's most luckiest man - Her sister's husband!
World's most mad woman - Her Mother in Law!
World's most dumb, selfish, liar, miser and useless man - ........ Should we need to tell this??? :(

 

 

Dirty Mother in Law Jokes:

DISAGREEING MOTHER-IN-LAW: A son-in-law was constantly disagreeing with his mother-in-law. One day, he had enough and ate his mother-in-law. That night, he woke up with a terrible stomach ache. Seems the mother-in-law still disagreed with him.

 

Dirty Mother in Law Jokes:

JOKE ABOUT STAYING AT MOTHER-IN-LAWS HOUSE: Question to son-in-law: What would you do if you knew the world was going to end in 2 weeks?
Answer by son-in-law: Go visit my mother-in-laws for 2 weeks.
Question to son-in-law: Why your mother-in-laws home?
Answer by son-in-law: They would be the longest 2 weeks in my life!

 

Dirty Mother in Law Jokes:

PEEPING TOM MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKE: One night, the local Peeping Tom knocked on my mother-in-laws’ door, and asked her to shut her blinds.

 

Dirty Mother in Law Jokes:

BURIED MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKE: One son-in-law meets his friend Frank on the street.  Joe says, “Hi Frank, where are you coming from? ” Frank says, “The cemetery. We just buried my Mother-In-Law.” “I’m sorry, that’s terrible” says Joe. “What happened to your face, you’re all scratched up?” “She put up a hell of a fight.” Frank answered.
Nice Mothers-In-Laws Joke Q:  Why do they bury mothers-in-law 18 feet down, when everyone else is buried 6 feet down? A:  Because, deep down, they really are very nice people.


Dirty Mother in Law Jokes:

The True Mother-in-law Joke: Two ladies ran into the court of King Solomon. “My daughter is to marry this man, but this lady claims that her daughter is already engaged to get married to him!” one of them yelled. The king stroked his beard and sat in deep thought. Finally the King spoke. “The man shall be cut in two and each of your daughters shall have him.” “Very well!” said the first lady. “No, don’t, I would rather let the other girl marry him than have him cut in two!” exclaimed the second lady. The King pronounced. “The first lady is the true mother-in-law.” “What?” objected the other. “She wanted him cut in two!” “Indeed.” said the king. “She is a mother-in-law!”

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